Mirror MASH
by FanWriterWV
Summary: A crossover, sort of, between MASH and Star Trek. What if Hawkeye, B.J., Charles and Margaret all found themselves in the Mirror Universe as it might have existed in their time?


MIRROR MASH

It was another long session in the O.R. Nearly 72 hours without a break, and now the weather outside was getting nasty. Fortunately, it wasn't enough to keep the surgeons of the 4077th from doing their vital work.

"How's that kid's chest, Hawk?" B.J. asked from his table, where he was repairing a soldier's wounded leg.

"I've gotten the shrapnel away from his heart," Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce answered. As if in agreement, a sharp rumble of thunder shook the roof of the O.R.  
Potter winced. "That storm's really starting to pick up. Klinger?"

Sgt. Klinger appeared from the pre-op ward. "Boy, it's getting rough out there. Makes me wonder why I ever left Toledo. I called I corps a few minutes ago. They said its part of a big front that's moving in. Sparky said he's never seen anything like it."

"What time is it, anyway?" Major Houlihan asked as she assisted Hawkeye with his sutures.

"Almost 0700," Potter answered. "Well, maybe this storm will keep us from getting more wounded for awhile. Even the enemy doesn't like shooting in bad weather."

"Too bad artillery doesn't know the difference." Hawkeye grimaced. "Okay, he's done." He nodded at Lieutenant Goldman, who wheeled him out. Hawkeye watched him go. "At least that kid will be going home," he said.

Another burst of thunder, and some flashes of lightning, shook the O.R. The overhead lights flickered but stayed on.

"I wish we were going with him," B.J. said as he frowned at the ceiling.

"Calm down, Hunnicut, we'll be rid of each other's company someday," Major Charles Emerson Winchester said with his characteristic aloofness. "Clamp," he added to Nurse Kelly.

"Thanks, Charles, I knew you'd understand," B.J. replied.

"Maybe you'd like to volunteer as a human lightning rod," Hawkeye added.

"Colonel…" Winchester pleaded.

"All right, everybody just calm down. This storm won't last forever. Reminds me of a few storms I saw when I was a kid back in Missouri. Midwestern summer storms sure can pack a whollop"  
Father Mulchahy entered the O.R. with an x-ray photo that he handed to Colonel Potter. "That's it," he said with relief. "No more wounded."

Everybody gave exclamations of relief. As they left the O.R., another flash of lightning lit up the early morning sky. Hawkeye winced. "I'm going to head back to the Swamp and see if I can get some shuteye…if I can."

"I think I'll join you," B.J said. His words were punctuated by a rumble of thunder.

"The cafeteria's open," Margaret suggested. "If we can survive the walk over."

"Very well," Charles said. "I don't suppose Igor's lack of culinary expertise can be any worse than the weather…although I could be wrong."

They began to make their way across the compound. Suddenly, they were bathed in bluish-white light. They all looked at each other in shock tendrils of lighting rippled around their bodies. Then it was gone.

"What was that!" Margaret exclaimed.

Hawkeye looked down at his hands. "At least we didn't get burned," he said. "Everyone else okay?"

B.J. nodded. "I've still got my mustache."

"We appear to have been spared God's wrath," Charles added. Then he frowned as he looked around. "Gentlemen…and lady…I think something's wrong."

Hawkeye blinked. At first he thought his yes were playing tricks on him because everything looked gray. But then he realized it was because that's what color everything actually was. The tents, the uniforms…he looked down at himself and saw that he was wearing the same type of gray outfit. It resembled his own green fatigues, but he noticed that along with his captain's bars was an insignia in the form of a bald eagle with a sword in its center. The others noticed they were all wearing similar outfits.

"What happened to our clothes?" Margaret asked. "Where are we?"

"Guys…take a look at the camp sign."

The others looked where B.J. was pointing. The sign, along with everything else, had changed. It was larger, painted gray, and made of metal instead of wood. On it were the neatly stenciled words: MASH 4077th Army Experimental Field Unit. The familiar words "Best Care Anywhere" were nowhere to be found.

"Let's go back inside," Hawkeye said, trying to figure out how to make sense of this bizarre situation. "Maybe we can"  
They went back into the hospital, but here, too, things were different. Everyone seemed to be afraid of them, and they were all wearing the same gray uniforms or nurse's outfits. Hawkeye looked at the kid he'd operated on earlier. He picked up his chart and read: "Corporal Smith…Chest Injury…Unfit for Combat Duty…Transfer to Seoul for reconditioning…"

Hawkeye looked at the others. "I sure didn't write this," he said.

"But this is the post-op ward," Margaret answered. "You were just in here. You had to."

"Let's go to the Swamp," B.J. said. "Maybe we can get our bearings there and figure a way out of this mess." He realized they were all whispering.

"You three go on ahead-I have the feeling it might look strange if I went with you." Margaret cast a glance at Nurse Baker as she passed them. Margaret was shocked by what she felt from the other woman. It was…envy. Even hatred.

"Very well," Charles said. He nodded at Hawkeye and B.J. as they left her behind.

The walk back to the Swamp felt like a long death march. None of them had ever felt so much tension in the air as they were given a wide, fearful berth by the other camp personnel, especially the enlisted. The other thing they noticed was how big the camp now was. It took them nearly twenty minutes to get to the Swamp. It had many more buildings and tents than they'd ever seen, along with some bunker-like structures. Rosie's was nowhere in sight. Also missing, they noticed, was the collection of signs that had the names of everyone's hometown written on them. In its place was a bronze marker with a listing of key camp personnel. They saw that Colonel Potter's name was at the top of the list. Above it was another eagle-and-sword symbol.

Once back inside the Swamp, they were relieved to see that here, at least, everything seemed pretty much the same. Even the still was still there. Hawkeye thought about fixing himself and the others some drinks but decided against it. They were all going to need clear heads if they were going to find a way out of this.

"Okay, so what do we know so far?" B.J. asked. "We were in the O.R., we came through post-op, and…"

"The lightning," Charles said. "That's what must have done it."

"Yeah, but done what?" Hawkeye asked.

"I may have an idea." Charles looked thoughtfully at their surroundings. "When I was still at Harvard, I once attended a lecture given by a physicist. He talked about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal, and said that every action we made created an opposite reaction somewhere else. He said there was no reason why there shouldn't be an infinite number of realities, which are usually separated unless an extraordinary event takes place that causes them to come into contact with each other. It was all highly theoretical, he said…and yet, it is the one thing that I can think of which could explain our current situation."

B.J. sighed. "OK, Einstein, so how do we get back to where we belong?"

"Lightning," Hawkeye looked at Charles. "If you're right, another strike like the one we experienced could send us home."

"It would have to be in the same place we were before-in front of the post-op ward. And we would have to find out if the weather would permit it-otherwise, gentlemen, we might have a very long wait."

"In the meantime, we'll have to try and blend in as much as we can and learn about what we're like here," Hawkeye added.

"I get the feeling we're pretty much in charge," B.J. said. "I'll go to Klinger's office and see if I can get hold of our personnel files. That should give us some kind of an idea of what to expect."

"Good," Hawkeye nodded. "It's a start. Charles, we'd better get back to the hospital and look busy…and keep an eye on Margaret. I didn't like the look Baker gave her."

As they went their separate ways and Hawkeye and Charles made their way back to the O.R., they passed Father Mulchahy tent. Except that it didn't say "Chaplain" on the door. Instead it read CHIEF INQUISITOR. Below that was a drawing of a cross-with a sword thrust through the middle of it.

Hawkeye didn't want to know what kind of a person Mulchahy was in this world. "You know," he said as they entered the O.R. building, "If we're here"  
"Then our counterparts from this universe must be in our MASH." Charles grimaced at the idea. "One has to wonder what it's like for them."

"I want answers!" The man who looked like Hawkeye Pierce called from the stockade where POW's were usually kept. He glared at Major Freedman as the psychiatrist calmly looked back. "What the hell is going on? What happened to our uniforms? Where's the MP who's supposed to be with me at all times?" His companions shouted in agreement.  
Colonel Potter joined Freedman. "Sorry, gents, but until we figure out who you are and where you belong, you're staying right there."

Hawkeye sneered. "You've been waiting for this, haven't you? You've wanted your chance to get me out of the way, right? What'd you do-bribe Klinger? Threaten to turn me over to Mulchahy and his henchmen?"

Potter shook his head as they went back to his office. "OK, Sidney, what's going on here?"

"I've got an idea or two," Freedman answered. "I've got a friend or two at Princeton I can call. But you were right, Sherman-that is definitely not our Hawkeye."

"Nurse Kelly just tried to kill me!" Margaret said in disbelief. They were in the supply room; it was the other place aside from the Swamp where they'd agreed to meet in case of an emergency. "Baker stopped her."

"This is an ugly place, all right." Hawkeye said sympathetically. "Don't worry. We'll get back home. Until then we're just going to have to play along."

"According to my information, that boy you operated on is due to be sent to Seoul tomorrow," Charles said. "Apparently those who are no longer capable of fighting but who can still recover are sent to 're-education' camps in the states where they are brainwashed into performing slave labor."

"But I don't understand." Margaret shook her head. "How did this all happen?"

"From what I've been able to gather, this timeline has always had its own dark history," Charles replied. "But in America's case the turning point seems to be the Civil War. After Lincoln was assassinated, General Sherman became President and America became much more aggressive in becoming a world power under his rule. America runs an empire that includes Western Europe, Mexico and most of Latin and South America, and here…Asia, including Japan."

There was a small knock on the door. Hawkeye nodded at Charles, who cautiously opened it. They were all relieved to see B.J. with their personnel records in an unmarked folder.

"I ran into Potter-this world's Potter-while I was there. Boy, you want to talk about cold…" he shuddered as he opened the folder and handed them their various records. Hawkeye read his first.

"'Captain B.F. Pierce. Volunteered-'" his eyebrows went up as he read this "'-US Army Imperial Medical Corps. Became chief surgeon upon his promotion following the assassination of Major Frank Burns.'"

Margaret was next. "'Houlihan, Margaret M., Major…' apparently I got my promotion after my father assassinated General Embry."

"'Hunnicut, Captain,'" B.J. read. "I got where I am by having Trapper John killed…sorry, Hawk."

"And I was apparently sent here as a form of punishment-well, at least that hasn't changed-for a failed assassination attempt on Colonel William Baldwin-well, that's certainly something I've been wanting to do for a long time."

Hawkeye handed the folder back to B.J. "Well, at least we know what we're up against. Apparently we're expected to kill our way to the top."

"But this is the Army," Margaret protested. "You can't run an efficient military organization like it was the Mafia!"

"The Roman Empire survived for hundreds of years through its brute strength, regardless of how many of its Emperors were assassinated," Charles reminded her. "I would imagine a great deal of chicanery and backstabbing goes on all the time here."

"So we'll stay on our toes." Hawkeye looked at Margaret. "Don't worry. I'm sure we'll be fine if we just keep our eyes open." He looked back at B.J. Were you able to find anything out about the weather?"

"I got Klinger to call Sparky. He says another front is due in tomorrow morning"  
"Did he ask why you wanted this information?" Charles asked.

"I told him it was none of his business and that he should just keep his mouth shut. I got the impression this Klinger is pretty much a coward."

"Then that's our ticket home." Hawkeye clapped B.J. on the shoulder. "OK gang, at 0700 tomorrow we meet outside the O.R. in the same spot we were when this nightmare started"  
Margaret and Charles stayed in the hospital. Charles saw Goldman looking at Hawkeye's patient's chart. "Is there something I can help you with, lieutenant?" he said in his most arrogant manner, which he hoped would convey his authority.

"Uh, no Major. I was just making sure this guy got his medication." Goldman looked at the unconscious corporal. "At least this guy gets to go home. Boy, I wish I knew the right people to bribe or assassinate so I could get out of here. But that would just get Inquisitor Mulchahy's attention, wouldn't it, sir?"

Charles had the feeling that Goldman was trying to ingratiate himself on him. "Don't worry, lieutenant, I'll make sure nothing happens to you. You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours." Charles was surprised at how much of his avarice side was helping him fit in here. He hoped the others were as lucky.

Back in the Swamp, Hawkeye was reading the copy of his hometown newspaper that his dad-or, rather, the other Hawkeye's dad-had sent to him. Much of what he read about Crabapple Cove seemed the same, which was a relief. And Harry Truman was still President. Hawkeye wondered if he'd poisoned Roosevelt to get the job.

A knock on the door got his attention. Hawkeye put the paper down. "B.J.?"

"No. It's me." Nurse Baker entered the Swamp. Hawkeye stood up-and was rewarded with a passionate embrace. "Finally," she said. " I thought you'd never be able to get away from that tramp Houlihan."

"Uh, yeah, me too," Hawkeye stammered. "So, uh, what brings you by?"

"You and B.J. are up to something. The only time you two are ever friendly with Winchester is when he can use his connections to get things done." She looked at him. "What are you planning? Becoming Major Pierce?" Her eyes widened. "Assassinating Colonel Potter himself? Maybe even command of the whole Eastern Theater?"

"Further than that, I hope," Hawkeye said.

"And what happens to me-to us?" Baker's eyes narrowed. "I'm not going to settle for becoming another notch on your belt. You should know that about me by now, after all we've been through together."

"Believe me, the thought never crossed my mind." Hawkeye looked sincerely at her. "But I will need your help-say for sometime early tomorrow morning?"

B.J. was putting the folder back in Klinger's filing cabinet when Klinger entered. "So, Doc, how's it going?" His manner seemed way too familiar, even for him.

"Is that the way you greet your superior officer?" B.J. sternly replied. To his discomfort, he found himself enjoying this-a little.

Klinger suddenly became fearful. "Uh, no sir, I was just wondering if you needed any more help, Sir!"

"Um, no, thanks."

Klinger relaxed. "I knew it. You and Captain Pierce have something big going on, don't you? That's why you went into the supply room together-it's one of the few places in camp that Mulchahy doesn't have bugged."

"What business is it of yours?" B.J. hoped he sounded arrogant enough.

"I want in." Klinger looked at him with eyes that glittered like a snake's. "What're you gonna do-knock off Winchester? I can do it for you! Just name the time and place. Oh, yeah-and make sure I get my cut."

B.J. felt ill. "Just stay low," he said. "If I need you, I'll let you know, okay?"

Klinger winked. "I always knew hooking up with you was the smartest thing I ever did. See you around, Doc!"

When he was gone, B.J. leaned against the wall and exhaled. "Whew!" That had been too close.

The rest of the night passed without further incident. By staying together in groups of twos or threes as much as possible, Hawkeye and the others were able to keep their various would-be conspirators and enemies guessing. Hawkeye made sure that Baker kept the other nurses away from Margaret. B.J. and Charles had Goldman and Klinger keeping an eye on each other. When they worked in the O.R., they saw Mulchahy watching them through his glasses. There was no hint of the compassionate man they knew-this Mulchahy's gaze was ice-cold.

"We need a distraction," Hawkeye whispered to Margaret. "It's almost 0700."

Outside, they could hear the weather picking up as it had the night before. "Tell Baker and Goldman to get ready and cover our exits." He glanced over at B.J. and Charles. They caught his eyes and gave imperceptible nods in return. Potter was too busy with his own patient to pay attention.

Hawkeye watched as Baker went over to Mulchahy and said something to him. He frowned, but went with her. Hawkeye didn't have to imagine what her diversionary tactic was. Hawkeye, B.J. and Charles made a pretense of switching patients and getting Goldman and the other orderlies to cover for them.

The early morning sky was boiling overhead. Lightning flashes battled it out with each other as the wind began to rise. Margaret came out last.

"Thank goodness," Hawkeye began. "It's almost time to-" he stopped when he saw Klinger standing behind her.

"I've got a scalpel pointed right at her kidneys," Klinger said. "You didn't think I was gonna let you guys get away with this, did you?"

"Klinger, you rat," B.J. glared at him. "Did Mulchahy put you up to this?"

"What Mulchahy?" Klinger looked smug. "You guys were trying to escape. I stop you, I get promoted, and we all move up." Klinger grinned sadistically at him. "Maybe I'll even make lieutenant."

"Not likely." A look of surprise appeared on Klinger's face. Then he sagged to the ground. Mulchahy and Baker were standing behind him, with Baker holding a syringe.

"Anesthesia," Mulchahy said. "He'll be out for the next few hours-after which I'll have a little 'talk' with him."

"Why are you doing this?" Margaret asked as she joined Hawkeye's side.

Mulchahy shrugged. "This camp needs its surgeons back; yours needs its. I knew from the first minute Klinger came to me that you didn't belong here."

Hawkeye looked at him. "Well, whatever your reasons are-thanks." Lightning flashed overhead; it was time. "Look, you seem to be a decent guy at heart. If you're anything like the Mulchahy I know, then try to make this world a better place."

"One man can't act alone," Mulchahy said.

"But two people working together can make a difference." Hawkeye looked at Baker, who nodded.

"I'll do what I can," she said. "You're nothing like my Hawkeye. It's nice to know that somewhere…things are different."

Mulchahy studied Hawkeye. "Captain Pierce, I will consider it."

"That's all I ask," Hawkeye said, as they were surrounded by lightning.

When the light cleared they looked around. Potter was standing in front of them as the rest of the nurses and orderlies applauded. "Welcome home, son, welcome home!" Potter said as he and Hawkeye shook hands.

Sidney was there with him. "So, Sailor, what was it like?" he asked.

Hawkeye grinned. "As bad as this place can be-I'd much rather be here than there." He noticed Father Mulchahy looking on. "When that Pierce gets home, he's going to find a few changes-if I know my Mulchahys."

"Welcome back Sir!" Klinger came forward and gave B.J. a bear hug. "Boy am I glad you made it back in one piece."

B.J. looked at him. "So am I, Pal-in more ways than one…"

THE END 


End file.
